A “Profound” Approach to Parenting…In 8 Steps

23rd Apr 2017

A “Profound” Approach to Parenting…In 8 Steps

that actually works

(for me)

 

Prior social media posting: (Photo of my eldest, Lili, 2.5 years old) This sleeping beauty is astounding to me. I decided a few weeks ago to try a new approach in parenting her. She is so verbal and brilliant (every parent thinks so of their own 😎) that I thought the yelling and time outs, albeit seldom, weren’t the best approach. I pride myself on treating children like “real people” from birth, yet I was not acting that way when it came to discipline. So, I began a more educated approach; one in which I utilized her toddler desire for power and attention coupled with adult-level respect and understanding. It has been an outstanding experiment and I want to share my positive outcomes. She has not needed “timeout” in almost 2 weeks, I have raised my voice only a few times, she is much more even keeled and loving, and my stress level is almost zero. I feel like I’m trying to sell a diet pill or magical face cream, but I’ve gotta tell the world, even if it’s my small social media world, because someone may benefit. Toddlers are little, tough, strong minded, cunning, tornados of love.  It is easy to forget they are extremely impressionable humans who react best to respect and kindness just as we adults. *steps down from soapbox*

 

Many friends asked me to elaborate on the aforementioned post, and I was already debating it, so here we go!

**Wee disclaimer so no one gets defensive and angry…this is all, as usual, my opinion (some based on fact, some not), not stating cold hard facts. I just don’t want to say, “in my opinion” every time, so take it with a grain of salt. **

The first step to effective parenting, whether the child is 1 or 10 is sleep. Without adequate sleep, the brain and body will not function as well as possible, thus impacting learning, movement, concentration, etc. Nutrition is important too, but let’s be honest…American children don’t really eat well or consistently…so that’s far less important in my book.

So, once those bases are covered (which, for us, good sleep habits began at birth – they both sleep 12-13 hours per night, solid), you can feel more confident in your approach going forward. What I mean by that is that often tantrums can erupt out of sheer tiredness or hunger. If they aren’t very verbal, it can be harder to tell.

 

What follows is a rough breakdown of the steps I use when interacting with Lili in this new way. It was a little rocky at first, but now it is quite natural. I almost had to hit the reset button on myself. This is how I would interact with other adults, so I obviously changed my approach when I had the girls. So, I’m just going back to the old ways with a bit more insight and wherewithal.

 

1.Respect: Address her by name, term of endearment, etc. “Lil, I need you to understand something.” “Sweetie, please…”

 

2.Acknowledge: Treat her as an adult in terms of understanding and speech (no baby talk, nicknames for items they’re learning such as “baba” just say “bottle”). Also, understand that she is still a child, and has much to learn and far to grow. If she has a random whining fit or outburst I say “What’s a matter sweetie? Are you hungry? Are you sleepy? Are you hurt? Are you cold?” Just by asking those questions and acknowledging her feelings, she instantly calms and we can figure things out. It is almost as though she is thinking, “Whoa…wait a minute. She actually cares about what ails me? Wow, okay cool. Let me think…am I hungry? Oh, I am, thanks mom!”

 

3.Offer Choices: Children love control and power, so you can feed that by offering 2-3 reasonable choices. For example, “You need to wear pants babe, you can choose the red pants or the blue pants.” or “You can either walk close by me or you can ride in the cart” (I use this one a lot!).

 

4.Remind: She has only been on this planet for a few years, she still is learning and easily distracted by this outstanding and colorful world. Don’t automatically assume she isn’t listening. She needs a gentle reminder and refocusing. “Babe, remember I asked you to choose what pants you are going to wear. We need to go to the store, so I need you to make your decision.” or out front of Target “Sweetie, remember you need to follow me, you can look but if you want to get anything off the shelf you need to ask me. This is a store and we have to buy things before we open them. If you do not listen and obey the rules, you will ride in the cart, do you understand?”

 

5.Enforce: This is key. Without this, you’re just in a losing battle and wasting your words. Telling your child there are no consequences (which, we know is not true in adult life) and that you are not a person of your word. “Lil, you did not listen and obey. You chose to not walk beside me and you took that shampoo off the shelf without asking. You are now going to sit in the cart.” There may or may not be tears, but that is that. Don’t let the smart little booger bargain with you or scream until you give in out of embarrassment. It won’t take many times of enforcement for them to recognize that you will always honor your word, good or bad.

 

6.Reward: No, I don’t mean a sticker or a lollipop or a round of applause. I mean reward her by saying “That’s a good idea!” or “Thank you for using your words. I love your words.” or “Because you listened and obeyed, you get to walk by yourself!” (something you know she wanted in the first place)

 

7.Engage: Chat with your toddler, about everyday life things. Ask what they want to do today, how they slept, did they have dreams, what color the pants are, etc. I literally have full conversations with my 2.5-year-old AND my 1 year old. The 1 year old doesn’t really respond, but I still treat her as if she can. In terms of Lili, the older one, we have great chats. She amazes me with the inferences she can make about life and her sweetness. She makes me wish I could be half as caring and sweet as she is on a daily basis. If you give them the time of day, they will impress you and respect you. The more you chat, the more you get to know each other. BONUS, their speech and grasp of the English (your language of choice) language will dramatically improve, as well as their confidence in themselves and you.

 

8.Breathe: Stay calm when the toddler does something you wished they had not. They need independence and the ability to explore and learn from their mistakes. Once you ensure a safe environment, let them be. Lili loves to play with water and lately has been very into spending almost an hour washing her babies (dolls and barbies) in the bathroom sink. I check in and ask how her girls are doing, note they smell nice, and move on. Upon completion, she knows she needs to clean up any spilled water, put the soap back, and turn off the water. This is no biggie. But, when you find her upstairs with red legs and the smell of acetone in the air…. …STOP. Before you freak out. Simply ask “hey, whatcha doin?” See what she says. In this scenario, she had watched me remove the old polish from my toes that morning, so she wanted to have polish to remove. She knows she can’t use polish without permission so she got my lip stain and painted her nails and subsequently her legs. Then she got one single cotton ball, dabbed it quite a bit and started the removal process. She was so proud of herself and I was impressed. Yes, it smelled awful, she had to wash her hands, and most of the bottle was gone but she was OK. She knows not to drink things, eat things, etc. She knows glass is sharp when it breaks and that knives and scissors need to be used with careful intent. I trust her. Yes, it’s messy sometimes. Yes, it may cost me a couple dollars to replace a material good. But, if you take a few minutes to step back, you will see how much they are learning and expanding upon every day experiences. If you freak out right away, they will learn to hide from you whilst doing those explorative crafts. If you respect them, take time to understand what they’re doing, you can expand upon the less and teach them how to not dump the whole bottle out and how to clean up a spill. Build upon their creativity and observation, don’t smother it and make it a negative action.

 

 

Just think for a second…forget what your friend said, how you were raised, what you saw in a movie, what parenting style fits you, etc. Wash it all away. Think common sense. Realize your child is a human being, a new one, but still a human just like you and me. Remember how you felt when your boss praised you? When you got more responsibility because you proved yourself? How about when you didn’t meet your deadline, had to stay late to finish your work and you missed out on drinks with friends? Also, remember how it felt when your boss blew off your great idea? When the barista at Starbucks, that you see every single day, doesn’t call you by your name. How about when you get all dolled up for hubby and he doesn’t acknowledge your pretty dress or new lip color? Seems silly maybe, but imagine those feelings you felt, when you interact with your children. You are the boss, the barista, the hubby, etc. Those feelings of joy, pride, disappointment, sadness, embarrassment, apathy are all feelings your child experiences based upon your response or lack thereof.

 

What about the stress and yelling? I am an anxious person by nature, and I have a very very very VERY short temper. Once I started focusing more on how I spoke to Lili, I honestly didn’t feel the need to yell. It’s hard to yell “sweetie” J That doesn’t mean I do not yell, as sometimes it is warranted. For example, if she or her sister is doing something dangerous, I yell. If she is completely ignoring me, yelling nonstop, or doing something inappropriate while we are in the car, I yell. Screaming in the car makes me a bad driver, and I cannot have that happen. It usually startles her enough to reset and listen to what I have to say. For the most part, with this new way of approaching parenting, I am overall much calmer and find less of a need to yell. I am still human and I still react, but it is more controlled. Also, most impactful when I do end up raising my voice.

 

My children are delightful (I am biased, I’m sure). I think all children have the potential to be delightful as well, given the right parenting (needs are dependent on the child). If we give our children the opportunities and freedom to grow and explore yet offer reasonable boundaries to help mold and shape their character and morals, they’ll actually have a chance in this mean and scary world. They will be confident, self-sufficient, intelligent, resourceful, learners who will want to get coffee with you when they’re in town J

 

I truly think this way of approaching child rearing will serve me well. I have read dozens of textbooks, nonfiction, and peer-reviewed scientific research studies on education, parenting, infants, toddlers, sleep, neurology, neuropsychology, and even educational neuropsychology. Not one book or study can break parenting down into steps or an easy to follow guide, and that is because every child, parent, culture, and family is different. I didn’t read this in a book, I just looked inward and a lightbulb went off. I’ve always respected my children and followed the idea that play = learning, but this was a true ah-ha moment. It worked and hopefully continues working for my children, and maybe it will help someone else.

 

At the end of the day, look inward and then look to your child. Figure out the best method of communication, establish respect, and then go from there!

 

I hope this personal experience helps others in some way.

 

 

 

3 comments on “A “Profound” Approach to Parenting…In 8 Steps

  1. Lindsay Nelson on said:

    Wow, Luci, this is such a wonderful explanation of an approach that is common-sense, respectful and flexible. I love it! Thank you for taking the time to put it into words for others. You know I will rely on you for advice when I have a child of my own!

  2. Tina Person on said:

    Hi Lucy, Aunt Tina here. I love your respect for children as growing, thinking people. I know your in the midst of having and supporting your children but you might want to consider Early Childhood as a career. That’s how I got hooked. I find young children so amazing that when the youngest was 3 I went to work in a Pre school with him. Now I have an MS in Early Childhood Education, teach ECE at a community college, director and classroom teacher at a preschool, an EC advocate and so enjoying grand kids. As my siblings are retiring I can’t imagine leaving the work I love! Just putting a bug in your ear. (Which many a child has tried) It all starts with experience and you have such wonderful insight, I really look forward to more. Love you and so excited for your rich life with children.

    • admin on said:

      Aunt Tina, thank you so much for your kind words 🙂 I certainly have entertained the idea of an outside the home career in ECE, however at this point I have decided to simply educate myself as much as possible through research, articles, and textbooks on the matter. I will be implementing these findings as well as my own intuition throughout the lives of my girls. I presently intend to un-school through their “high school” years. Once those years are over, I would like obtain my Ph.D. or start my own “school” but who knows where life will take me!

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