Unwanted Emotions

Postpartum depression is a roller coaster of emotions following giving birth. It can happen to fathers and mothers, and can manifest immediately or months after birth. For me, it came around 4 weeks postpartum with my third child. It is different for everyone who goes through it, but this is my version.

My newest little lady is immensely beautiful and I could stare at her and snuggle with her all day long if I could. I try, but the other two littles running around preclude that fantasy! Thankfully I have an amazingly experiences baby-snuggler in the house who wants nothing more than to love on my newest bundle (Thanks Gg)! The only time I do not feel totally head over heels in love with Gabi, is the 5 minutes or so two times per night when she stirs me from my not actual sleep with her crying of hunger. She was born at 37 weeks, but I had a feeling she would come early and was more than happy to be done with pregnancy. She was perfectly healthy aside from a minor heart murmur which is not an issue as of yet, but we are keeping tabs on it.

All my girls are healthy, sleeping well, and very mild mannered. They seldom act out, hardly cry, and are amazing independent ladies. They listen, obey, take turns, care, and give so much love. I try very hard to give them everything they want and need all the while letting them be as independent as possible to thrive in their world. So why am I feeling down? Hormones, stress, doubt, guilt, endless to do lists, lack of full sleep, etc. I feel angry, short-tempered, tired, rage at times, resentment toward my husband, helplessness, hopelessness in parenting (not life), and endless guilt. I’ve done the research, read books, talked about, and hell I even traveled across the country and back with 3 small kids and an elderly lady in order to clear my head. I think it is getting better, but I’m not in the clear yet by any means. It’s so odd to be fully aware of my emotions and outbursts, but have no sense of control over them…

When I look at my girls they make me smile with pride and happiness. I couldn’t have a better support system or better mannered children…it’s just a thing in my head I simply cannot shake yet.

I’m not at the point where I feel like medication and therapy is the answer. I have a few things yet to try and figure it out myself.

I am opening up about it more than I ever imagined I would, which is supposed to be somewhat cathartic.

I’m keeping open communication with my husband which I think is essential due to my random outbursts at him, despite his amazing dedication and understanding.

Shockingly, I weaned Gabi from breast to bottle whilst in Colorado for my endless search for peace and contentment. This is shocking because I’m a strong advocate for breastfeeding, formula is expensive and I’m cheap, AND I had the most ideal breastfeeding relationship with this lady. She latched immediately and my milk supply was excellent from the get go, so I had a hell of a lot of guilt initially from weaning. However, it helped me a lot and I would do it over again in a heartbeat. Yes, breast is best, but a mother flying off the handle randomly is not, and if formula feeding helps me be a better mother, I will do it.

Anywho, writing about it helps in various ways and perhaps others can understand if I have been more distant than usual since the baby was born.