What is Killing Off the Innate Mothering Instinct?

Is the modern world killing off the innate mothering instinct?

Being a housewife in the modern era is not as it was back in my parents’ and grandparents’ day. There is no doubt parenting is difficult no matter when or where you are, but I am referring to the social pressures. Social media, television, open forums, blogs (mine excluded of course ;), mommy groups, and even the more open lines of communication between family and friends have all seemed to contribute to the downfall of the parenting instinct. Before the advent of the internet, if a mother questioned how many hours of sleep her child should get per night she would simply ask a family member or trusted medical professional and it would end there. Now, people hire sleep consultants because they saw on a forum or heard from their friend that their 4 week old should be sleeping through the night by now (this is FALSE, by the way) and this “problem” must be corrected. When I was doing sleep consults on a consistent basis, the majority of parents contacting me did so mostly because they heard or read somewhere that their baby was not doing what the “other” babies were doing. This does not just apply to sleep either; the social pressure is very common in various situations from breastfeeding and formula brands to introduction of solids and potty training.

“Babies do not come with a manual” is a common little phrase new parents are told and this is told to them, not to scare them into searching for the manual somewhere else, but to express that you learn as you go. Do you think babies simply do not eat or sleep in countries without Internet access or Amazon (yes, those places do exist)? Do they choke to death because their parents do not have a professional baby food steamer? No, in fact, the breastfeeding and sleeping rates are generally highest in these places and the babies have a much more varied palate depending on resources. Why do you think this is? I promise it is not because they took prep for baby classes at the hospital. It is Mother’s Intuition sprinkled with tradition and grandmothers’ advice.

Now, do not get me wrong here, I absolutely see and know the value in breastfeeding assistance, parental education, sound medical advice, and the right nursing bra. What I do not see the value in is the onslaught of information available to new parents who are struggling to keep up with society, friends, and family in terms of their children’s’ development.

The idea behind the modern woman is well meaning and can be empowering, depending on how it is experienced and expressed. If it means showing photos of babies breastfeeding to make it more normalized or inspiring little girls to be anything they want to be when they grow up, that is excellent. Women empowerment should not be about bashing men or trying to prove female superiority, let alone putting down other women for their parenting and lifestyle choices (I call this last situation women de-powerment). The barrage of women de-powerment has trickled into mommy groups, social media posts, blogs, forums, and even books. There are stay at home moms accusing working (outside the home, because parenting is a job) moms of letting someone else raise their children, and working (outside the home) moms accusing stay at homes of not being an empowering role model for their children. This type of thing will always exist because, after all, we are human and have a strong propensity for putting others down in order to pump ourselves up even when it is none of our damned business!

In my research and observations, the modern wave of feminism in my generation and the generation prior seems to be seriously dulling, if not killing off, mothers’ intuition. When I see what others are writing online and when I speak to clients, I hear a lack of confidence in their innate ability to mother/parent children. They do not trust their instincts and feel pressure to act in ways they normally would not dare. Have women been told to be so equal to or better than men that they take on a more analytical and less emotional way of thinking? The problem is that INTUITION IS EMOTIONAL. Emotional thinking is often misinterpreted as irrational thinking and weakness, thus, a negative trait found in women. One of the very first things I say to everyone coming to me for advice is “Trust yourself, you know your child the best.” That book you are reading does not know exactly what your baby does when she has gas pains or the noise she makes whilst feeding. Your friend’s child may “sleep through the night” because he is jaundiced and mal-nourished, or sick, or he is eating something different from yours. There are numerous ways to get a baby to sleep more, eat more, smile more, like tummy time, poop more regularly, stop crying, etc. Three people could all give advice to one Mom, and all three things could work or be a total bust. EVERY BABY IS DIFFERENT. Every baby is YOURS, a unique and wonderful little creature relying on you (not Facebook) to provide the essentials for survival. This starts with being in touch with your emotions, connecting with your baby, and trusting yourself as a female human being to grow and to raise another human being.