The inevitable break down

Well, I had my first hormonal post-baby “Am I providing for my baby?” melt down at 7 days post partum. My labor process was painful and tasking, but nothing catastrophic happened. I had a few days of painful recovery, but was lucky to get discharged at 24 hours post delivery. Once I was home I was able to focus on breastfeeding, which did not come naturally by any means, for either Lili or myself. Aside from my horrendous, and pain inflicting experience with the “lactation consultant,” I had not had much help in the hospital. Perhaps I am a bit stubborn to the idea of outside help because I feel quite well read in lactation and breastfeeding as I prepare for my IBCLC exam, well enough at least to know what is inappropriate help. Regardless, Lili’s latch is not ideal and she has a receding chin and small mouth, which do not bode well for my nipples! I struggled with a fussy baby all day long, and piled on top of that, my lovely husband had to work almost every day after discharge from the hospital. On top of missing him, being bombarded with an onslaught of visitors staying 1-2 hours each thus interfering with my half established routine was really tasking being less than one week out of delivering my little girl. I felt so much pressure to say yes to everyone and not ask for help, which is due in part to my “I can do it all myself” attitude. I paid for this, healing wise, in the days to follow. I thought I was feeding her well, but her fussiness was not normal. If I had not had so much experience with newborns through my day job, I would think I just had a “colicky” baby and left it at that. However, I knew she was crying out of hunger and unable to console. I resorted to pumping, which yielded quite a good result, and then bottle fed her for a few feeds. Despite being breast milk, I felt like I was being an inadequate provider having to result to a bottle. So many forums and experts heavily warn against introducing a bottle so early, but it was either that or formula.

So after a fussy day that I fully expected to be a lovely time spent snuggling with my husband in between sleepy feeds, I just broke down. I knew it was coming, and I couldn’t keep it in any longer. The timing was certainly not ideal, as my husband and I were both very tired and had been trying to soothe a crying baby all day to little avail. I feel like it was a good release though, and my amazing husband was there for me to say the kind things I needed to hear. I fully expect to have a few more bouts of crying, but I certainly hope they are few and far between!