When will I fall in love?

I had some reservations about posting this, as it is likely to receive a good bit of negative critiques. However, I realized that I am not alone in this, and other mothers should be aware of this and know it is normal and OK.

I see this beautiful baby sound asleep on my chest and I feel…nothing. Actually, that’s not true, I do feel something but it isn’t positive; it’s guilt. I feel guilty for some reason because I do not feel that feeling every other mother talks about. All I ever wanted was to be a mother and I pressured my husband to have children sooner than he initially wanted. I was so sure that having a baby would so instantly enhance my life and just make my heart burst out of my chest like it does when I think of my husband.

I am well read when it comes to infants and post partum care, including post partum depression and the more common baby blues. I never imagined I would experience anything like that myself. I am not nervous or inexperienced, so it is not a lack of knowledge that is leading to my blank emotional state. The first several days of breastfeeding were rough, so I thought maybe that was it…but now she is feeding very well and I have an oversupply. I have such an easy baby, and quite a cutie I might add, but it doesn’t seem to matter. The evenings are the worst for me emotionally, and I feel very lonely. My husband has been mostly gone for the first three weeks postpartum, and I did expect my mother to be around a lot more, so those factors may contribute. I had an influx of familial visitors the first week, but they weren’t comforting visits, more tasking on me than anything else. I am mostly recovered from my stitches and labor in general, just getting over a cold and a bought of hives from an allergic reaction. My energy level is better than third trimester, but still not back to my pre-pregnancy normal. I do sleep pretty well at night, as she allows me two good 4-hour stretches of sleep, and possibly 2-3 more hours if I decide we should sleep in.

Don’t get me wrong, she is immensely cute and has the most kissable cheeks I have ever seen. She looks like her daddy, which makes me smile whenever I look at her. I get compliments on her every day and my family cannot stay away. She is an easy and relaxed baby, and it is just a pleasure to be around her innocence. I just…haven’t fallen in love yet…

I think I will give myself a bit more time before I start to worry or become too engrossed in guilt. After all, I had 10 months to grow her…I think I should allow myself a little time to meet and get to know this new tiny human.

I am more than two weeks postpartum and hope this goes away. I look forward to the day that I fall head over heels in love with my precious little girl, but until then I will continue caring for her just as she deserves, with kisses and snuggles galore!