Who yells at a baby?!

It has been 7 weeks since my daughter entered this world and she has charmed well over 100 visitors. Yes, judge me if you will for not waiting the societal norm of a couple months to show off her chubby cheeks. It is not my fault that I cannot keep people away from her or that my husband has a penchant for throwing parties and going out with friends. And of course, we bring Lili along for these events, because she is a part of our lives, but that is a post for a different day!

Let me preface this post by stating that I am rather traditional in terms of gender roles and responsibilities in the home. My husband is the primary breadwinner in our family and I the primary care provider to our daughter and two wonderful puppies. This by no means implies that I frown upon breadwinning mothers or primary care providing fathers. In fact, my own mother was the breadwinner while my father and brother, both primary care providers.

I want to address and call to attention an important topic seldom discussed in today’s (especially American) society. That is the topic of fatherhood, especially the emotions men feel as first time (and perhaps beyond) parents. Not to overtly call him out, but my husband was my true inspiration through his struggles with this newfound title, fatherhood. I have been very careful to not push Lili on him and let him come around in his own time. I asked him to feed her a bottle the other night while I pumped before bed. I was in the kitchen and I heard him yelling (he claims he was just talking loud…but its all the same) at Lili because she kept wiggling and moving her head around while trying to eat. This went on for about 5 minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore and swept her up said “I’ll just do it myself if it’s that horrible for you.” I later told him to never yell at her, and just put her down safely instead of getting frustrated. I had a big chip on my shoulder until he and I started thinking about men’s relationships with their children. What we discovered was quite eye opening!

It is apparent that men are feeling increased pressures in today’s society to be stellar multitaskers, namely: domestic helper, breadwinner, and husband. However, it is simply not sufficient to fulfill the basic duties in the aforementioned roles; the modern man must also go above and beyond with a beaming smile and air of utter selflessness. These overtly high expectations have been set forth mainly by non-parents, mothers, and grandfathers who have long since forgotten their internal struggles decades prior.

Mind you, mothers have a complete double standard in today’s society and, in fact, are rewarded with empathy and martyr status when they are “able” to juggle motherhood and domestic duties…let alone working as well. To enhance said standard, mothers are not expected to complete these tasks with the same positive attitude and selflessness; in fact, mothers who publicly enjoy these duties, and do not make excuses for not showering are often ostracized and criticized for being “too perfect.” Let’s not even start to talk about the old standards of women in the 50s who dare let their husbands see them frazzled, let alone make even the slightest hint of having a “tough” day at home.

Anyway, I digress. The real issue here is the undue pressure on men today to immediately feel that overwhelming love (that even many mothers, including myself, do not feel for several months!) toward their child. Thus, causing the men who do not automatically feel that sense of joy and love to either fake it or feel as if something is wrong with them. My husband felt the same way before exploring various articles written by brave men revealing their true feelings on becoming fathers. Here is an article that particularly caught my husband’s attention, which he shared with me. You need a sense of humor to get through the article and understand what the author is trying to convey. At first, I was a little disappointed that my husband did not melt as soon as he saw our daughter, but then again…I didn’t melt either so it wasn’t fair of me to expect that from him. It took me several weeks to fall in love with out precious daughter, and I am biologically programed to be drawn to my own child! Men, well, not so much if we look back in history and delve into evolution. I even asked my husband how he felt about her and he said he didn’t feel anything and felt bad about that. He mentioned all the pressure he noticed from his friends and coworkers (with and without children). He has come across a few fathers admitting to not feeling anything until their little ones were able to talk and make funny faces, but those were few and far between. So, is it a select group of men that take a while to warm up to their spawn or is the group larger, but society has pressured them into faking it?

I decided to do a little research of my own to better my understanding and possibly shed some light on the taboo topic. I started off with an article written in 1976, in the American Journal of Maternal and Child Nursing entitled How First-Time Fathers Feel Toward Their Newborns by Susan Leonard. This article mentions the changing father role into a less traditional role of distance into a more hands-on role. It does address that at the time (’76) there was very little research done on the father-child relationship; the research that was done utilized data collected mostly second hand from the mother’s point of view. Perhaps this is part of the problem…why aren’t we asking more fathers directly about their opinions and emotions instead of reading what mothers write about what they think the fathers are feeling?

That brings me to another point about men in the hospital, specifically the experience my husband and I had a couple months ago. Now you must understand something about my husband, he is an awfully laid back guy and it takes a good bit to rattle him enough to speak up. Well, our hospital experience did just that! We left as soon as we possibly could, so we were discharges 26 hours after delivery, but in that 26 hours my husband was treated like a second class citizen. There was no shortage of nurses, doctors, midwives, assistants, photographers, lactation consultants (who should not be able to be called lactation consultants because of their poor knowledge and lack of help), administration, etc. The issue was in the manner in which they spoke to my husband, if they even acknowledged his presence. He stayed with me the entire process, held my leg during the pushing, counted Lili’s fingers and toes as soon as she came out, got me my favorite foods (the hospital food was atrocious of course), changed all her diapers, and even slept over on the uncomfortable couch/chair/bed. He would ask questions and be ignored or given one word answers. They would make passive remarks such as “oh well, you can make yourself useful and change a diaper.” He was trying to be involved and learn, but was snubbed out by everyone but the nursing assistant giving Lili her bath. He and I were livid, and needless to say, will not return to that hospital for future deliveries even if it means driving 45 minutes to our top choice. All that being said, why is more attention not being given to the fathers who want so badly to learn and help and be involved in the entire process? Why are fathers being treated like they are useless baby daddies who just knocked up a girl and ran out, when that is not the case? This attitude is certainly not helping fathers feel welcomed into parenthood, let alone help with the initial bonding with their child.

In the Journal of Human Lactation, a study review published entitled, Fathers and Breastfeeding: A Review of the Literature discusses the great influence fathers have on the mother’s decision to initial and the duration of breastfeeding. Some of the reasons fathers are against breastfeeding include modesty issues, lack of education on the immense benefits, fathers wanting to establish their own relationship with the infant, and jealousy toward the mother and/or infant for diminishing the level of attention to the father. These reasons make a lot sense and can help to parallel the general attitude of fathers toward their children. Let’s think about the entire process of conception to postpartum from the over generalized male perspective and focus on the key things that are off-putting to men; all of which can contribute to a negative attitude toward the baby that caused all of this!

The woman (often) pressures the man to have a baby and they start trying, which often involves scheduling sex. Once the woman finally gets the positive pregnancy test, she excitedly shows her partner and the fun begins! He starts to think about the financial implications the child will have on their life as well as the negative social impact (less spontaneous vacations, less nights out on the town, possibly losing friends). Not to mention, the mom to be will most likely not be engaging in alcohol consumption or caffeine drinking which, teamed up with raging hormones, can lead to a very cranky woman! An inevitable weight gain that occurs during healthy pregnancies often leads to a woman’s low self-esteem. Many women have craving, which society has told her and the man that he must go out in the middle of the night to satisfy her every desire or he is a bad partner. Pregnancy also requires a plethora of boring doctor visits which the father must attend or, again, society has told him he is already a bad dad, and partner. Mom-to-be will be nauseous, exhausted, emotionally labile (bitchy), gassy, have random boughs of pain in her back, neck, feet, legs, and uterus, etc. The father-to-be is bombarded with questions over names, gender, parenting attitudes, financial planning, and the list goes on and on. Once the baby showers are done and the due date is near, and possible past, the hospital trip comes about. The anticipation alone is enough to drive anyone crazy, and then once it is time emotions start flowing. Upon admission, he has to deal with security, badging, and contacting all the family and friends, all the while the woman is privately bombarded with endless personal history questions, including asking if she is being emotionally or physically abused at home (my husband hated that one). If the man is ballsy enough to be in the delivery room he will have to endure the cries of labor and listen to the woman writhe in pain until her endless screaming for an epidural finally pays off. Once the baby arrives all attention is now on baby and mother. Dad is ignored and is tasked with more picture taking, errand runs, and food pick-up. He hardly has any time to be with Mom or baby, and if he is, he is tasked with diaper changes and properly placing a million pillows to facilitate the process of (sometimes) painful and frustrating breastfeeding. Once discharge comes about, the car is loaded up with tons of unnecessary baby and mom stuff and the car seat is installed properly. Once everyone is home, the real task begins. Dad must fetch things because Mom is too tired, too sore, too cranky, and too busy feeding baby. This goes on for a while and then the onslaught of visitors stream in for a couple weeks. Depending on the delivery method, Mom is not fully healed for about 6-8 weeks. This means no sex, which probably has not even been on the table since around the second trimester of her pregnancy. Once she is physically able to engage in sex, her body image is probably all out of whack once she likely has the sagging skin and stretch marks left behind from the baby’s hasty escape.

So, basically Dad (and mom too of course) gets the short end of the stick for well over an entire year! Can we really blame fathers for not immediately having an instant, lovey dovey, unbreakable bond with our children? Yes, we mothers have been through hell and back, but so has Dad and he doesn’t have the evolutionary benefit of being programmed to instantly have a desire, or ability, to take care of this “pile of skin and bones.” So let’s give dads everywhere a break, and give them all the time they need to bond on their own terms with their children. Pushing them will only make it worse, and possibly damage your relationship as parents and as partners. The most important thing is that he supports and loves you as the mother in any way he knows how, and he will come to love your baby when he is ready.