Overwhelmed

I am alone.

I don’t actually remember the last time I was alone… It has been well over a year, that I know for sure, as that was when Lili was conceived. Ever since then, I have always been with someone else whether it be Lili, family, friends, husband, dogs, etc.

Tonight it is just me. Lili is asleep for the night. Alec is out with friends. Even my dogs are away at my parent’s house.

I woke up this morning feeling very overwhelmed, as I have felt lately. I have an endless compulsion to do everything for everyone flawlessly. This is an admirable quality, but an exhausting one. On a typical day I wake up, (possibly work out) feed and interact with Lili, work, listen to some lectures or read journal articles, clean, repeat. In the evening I try to make dinner for my husband, and then once Lili goes down around 7:30pm, we watch TV, eat, have some wine, and then by 9 I am exhausted. I wake up and start the day over. This is not to say it is not fulfilling, but it is exhausting. Now that I am doing outside work (part-time) it is even more tasking on me…yet I love it and I would not change it.

I do everything 110% and I am unapologetic about my perfectionism. My daughter “slept through the night” by 2 months of age, she is now 3.5 months and is sleeping 12 hours and waking up with the biggest smile on her face every morning. When we go out she is in a clean matching outfit and the only thing out of place is her ridiculous cow lick on the back of her head (everyone keeps telling me she will grow out of it…). I never go out of the house without showering and putting on something other than sweatpants, even though all the Mommy Memes swear it is impossible. I clean my house every single day, wash Lili’s cloth diapers every 3 days and do adult laundry every 3 days or so. I cook dinner almost every day and breastfeed Lili at least 5 times a day. I also put in 20 hours a week working a job other than motherhood and wifedom, all the while continuing my education through webinars, journal articles, textbooks, and video lectures.

I don’t put all this out there to tout how awesome I am, because frankly I don’t see it as awesome, I just see it as what needs to be done. I just read, well… skimmed, an article written by a mother who was basically saying she finally decided to let herself not fret about things. She allowed herself to sit down and relax instead of folding that last pile of clothes wrinkling away in the dryer. I admire that, I do, but I am also incapable of that. When I try to sit down to relax, all I do is think about everything that needs to be done. Yes, I often empty out my head by writing everything down on three different to do lists, but then I just think of more ideas. I think of business ideas, ways to rearrange my room to better the flow, educational things to do with Lili, business ventures, articles I want to read, things I want to write about, reviews I need to do, when to bathe the dogs, etc. This is actually the main reason why I have not been keeping up with my blog posts and reviews as much as I had hoped. Every time I sit down to write I just end up working or watching a lecture on lactation or “indulging” in a breastfeeding documentary!

Maybe when I have several toddlers running around my home I will change, but until then, I remain a clean, organized, and seemingly put together mother and wife. I am not a proud person, nor am I ostentatious in regard to the standards to which I hold myself and others accountable. However, no one needs to tell me to “slow down” or “take time” for myself because cleaning, raising my child, and being there for my husband and family is what I chose to do because I want to do it. I thrive on timelines and to do lists. Despite feeling overwhelmed at times, I wouldn’t change it for the world, and yes, I even do want more children! Me feeling overwhelmed just means I need to have a glass of wine and make another to do list…